Dramatized Rant

I realized it's been a while since I posted anything. My blogging has been a bit sporadic for a while and I really make no apologies for a it. Life has been busy with the baby and adjusting to the new normal. The folks at my job also don't really care whether you have a baby or a giraffe to take care of. My schedule has been crazy and some! They schedule me for 12 hours shifts without any thought and in addition don't make it consistent enough to live with! Aish!

Anyways, there's something that bothers me a little at work. There is a 40 some year old lady who talks way too much about any and everybody. I thought this was stuff that high schoolers and some college folk did but for a mother of two to gossip about everything under the sun? Recently, I was called to come say hi to a fellow "African" on another unit. Now mind you, in this place, meeting an African is like a rare UFO siting(a little exaggeration maybe) So I get home and I'm telling a friend who used to work on the same unit with me about it and she already knows every detail of the story! What? How is this possible if the said informant was not even at work and my friend is in a different state? It's puzzling I tell you.

Is this even news worthy? Anyways, it's not the first time Ms. CNN international has broadcasted some breaking news but it does make me wonder if there is any gain in this? Why do people do this? Does it give anyone some sort of satisfaction in spreading rumors and gossip?

Any who, I'm back on the k-drama(Korean Drama) bandwagon. Recently saw Lie to Me, Protect the Boss, Scent of  woman, finished More Charming by the day and going through Dream High! Crazy huh?If you don't like reading subtitles then this is not for you. Maybe I'll get hubby to watch one with me someday(He's probably reading this and going "not on your life"! Hhaha... I pray for grace and peace in the rest of the week for y'all. Be blessed!

9/16/11- Easily one of the toughest days of my entire life. Saw my son laying down so helpless and being vented. His little heart seemed to beating on it's own but I didn't have the guts to take a look. I spent a few minutes at the bedside and balled my eyes out after leaving the unit. I know God is in control so I just let my words be few and give it all unto him. The very core of my faith, our faith, has been shaken but we are not broken because He lives and his word has told us that we will be alright.

I find it so ironic that I was actually reading the book of Job to Kyle on 9/14/11 which was supposed to be the original date of his surgery. It saddened my heart that I let what I saw completely floor me. I looked by sight once again. How could I? I questioned God even though I could not form the words, I did in my heart and my guilt was consuming me. Did my tears mean I did not trust my maker to do what He had said He would?

I could not allow any negative thoughts in at this time. Try as I did, there would be an occasional fleeting thought of doubt and so I decided to listen to music(mostly hillsongs, delirious, paul baloche, josh wilson, britt nicole etc). I hated that it seemed like I was deliberately trying to make things seem better but I have learned that when one is intentional about something, it can produce amazing and often times positive outcomes! It's such things that faith is made up of.

our amazing miracle, Kyle David

Kyle David

So after hours of intense labor (don't want to go into all the details),my little or not so little Kyle David was born amidst a few tears and much joy and pride. He is absolutely beautiful! It amazes me how much joy fills my heart every time I look at him. How does a tiny being like that absolutely steal your heart in such a short time?

He is absolute perfection to me. This realization took me quite a while to come to. My idea of perfection was exactly what every one's was. Who was I to determine that perfection for the Maker Himself? It would be like telling a manufacturer that a product made was defective even if it is a different variation from previous models!

Throughout my pregnancy, my prayers have mostly been for God to fix my baby. You see, Kyle was born with a special heart which is being fixed for better circulation as I type. It might require about 4 or more surgeries over the  course of his lifetime but I am rest assured that the master physician is at work so no worries there.

There are times when I wished I could be the one in his place. I wish I  could feel his pain and calm him immediately with my touch. There have been moments like that where just picking him up and cuddling him just calmed Him right down and other times he just remained inconsolable until sucrose was introduced.( Apparently, sucrose is like crack to babies!)

Again, I feel like God is sending me on a journey because I have been telling Him that I am willing to move my feet. I am interested and very excited about where this one will take my little family unit. A friend of mine  commented on how brave I was and all I could think of was the fact that God prepares us for testimonies and equips us in the process. This is by no means going to be the end of it I'm sure but why should I be  consumed by anxiety when He has said he will never leave me nor forsake me?

Originally written 10/12/11

Oh Mine, I have not blogged in forever! What happened here? It's called life, people. Lately, I can barely get any sleep after working 12 long hours. I used to not mind it so much but after Kyle, no way! It kinda sucks to be going back and forth and trying to pretend I care about a non-compliant diabetic when I'm thinking about my baby at home! I hope I rediscover my passion to provide amazing service to people especially this Christmas season.

Talk of Christmas, may your Christmas be filled with love, peace and hope and may the coming year bring you much appreciation for years past and give you a new enthusiasm to live life to the glory of God!

This is going to be our first Christmas as a little family and I'm excited about it. I usually don't do much to celebrate except do church and focus on Christ's birth and it's significance. I do want Kyle to experience the true meaning of Christmas and not emphasise the commercial aspect of it. I struggle a little with obliterating the whole idea of Santa Claus 'cos I don't want him to grow up being the one weird kid in class who tries to convince the other kids that Santa really is daddy in disguise!(or mummy in some cases). Oh well, he'll survive it. I did! haha

We are celebrating milestones for Mr K. and he is already changed so much since birth! God is just amazing! Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year to you all!

life going on

You know how everyone thinks they have the best mum in the world? Well believe it or not, mine is the very best! Now before you snicker, make a face and stick your tongue out, remember this blog is mine so you are reading my thoughts and opinions( sticks my tongue out). So mama left on the second for Ghana after being with me for a while. You see, they say you never know what you've got until its gone and I have never really had to live this saying until now. I wish I knew how to clone! Brings tears to my eyes anytime I think about how she mothered me through the last weeks of pregnancy until she left

Anyways, my Kyle is 3 months already and he is awesome! What a blessing he is to us. I could be having a terrible day but a simple smile from him makes it all better. Someday, I will explain what seeing Kyle smile does to my heart.

Blessimgs all mine...

This year's Thanksgiving feels extra special 'cos I have my hubby,baby and mummy with me. I have never really done much for Thanksgiving except go visit whichever family wanted to host us and this year is no different.Sometimes I feel like I need to put more effort into the day than I do but gratitude is all that I feel all day long.

I am thankful for all my blessings even those that are disguised as trials. Sometimes we are so busy focusing on the negative things happening in our lives that we forget all the good that have come our way. It is almost as if the few bad times erase all traces of good and then we tend to zoom in on that little bit of negative energy. The shadows will almost always make the figures lurking in the dark seem ginormous but be rest assured that in the truth of God's light, you will be able to see every situation at its regular size and your God will always be bigger than your problems combined.

May His grace be sufficient for you as your heart is filled with gratitude this Thanksgiving. May we continue to have many reasons to be thankful always! Happy Thanksgiving!

Back Then

As my story goes, it seemed I had seen my fair share of pain and disappointment but life had to go on. Come January 6 2010, I had another positive pregnancy test. I was apprehensive of this result. I took maybe a million more after that just to be sure it was right. All the subsequent ones were quite positive. "Darn it, here we go again", I thought. On January 19, 2010, I had my first OB appointment and my doctor figured I was probably 5 weeks along. On February 15, 2010 my heart absolutely sunk as we were told at the appointment that we are possibly going to lose this baby too. No kidding! Can you imagine being all excited about something only to find out you are not going to have the very thing you crave after all.

In my journal, my husband made this entry: Today we found out we are possibly losing our baby. It is sad but we are assured God is in control. How does one prepare for the worst and hope for the best at the same time. It is enough to give anyone a broken heart and mine was completely shattered into pieces. I didn't want to utter the words that I was done with wanting to have a baby but I thought about it all the time. Why put myself through such an ordeal again? To me it was all pointless! At this point, I had pretty much given up but still tried to hold on to hope. I'm telling you a little bit of hope is all that's needed sometimes.

The physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage can not really be compared to anything else. It left me completely broken and my emotions were just raw. Everything made me cry! The worst part was returning to work where there were other pregos!

mama, my friend and confidant

She's prayed with me in the wee hours of the night
She's hugged me and wiped my tears
She's given me advice and spoken words of wisdom
Her faith has carried me through
Her beliefs have challenged mine
Her life has been a living example to me
Oh mother of mine who feels my pain
Mother dearest who weeps and griefs with me
Mother who's empathy is beyond my understanding
May all who have an encounter with you
Know the love you give without reservation
May those who have none get to know mine
I pray for love as deep and passionate as yours for my child

I will never return to this place
My place of solitude and comfort
I have found a new place
It may not be as familiar
But it has become my home
My new normal
Forged out of necessity
Carved after much thought
This life is completely changed forever
That's the beauty of it though
This consistency in change

life and milestones

I just realized it is actually my birthday today. I always look forward to this day with much anticipation and reflection. Today, all I could think about was the fact that a month ago (28 days to be exact), God granted me the joy of experiencing childbirth. It is quite profound and I can not explain the amount of love that fills my heart when I look at my son.

I don't think anyone has ever made me want to just give all I have to make them happy in just a month. It made me wonder if that's how it is with God's love. So full and completely unmerited. I am humbled by the lessons I am being taught. How patient God must be! I am beginning to understand what it means to be long suffering.

Lord grant me the grace to accept the blessings you bestow on me, to be patient with the lessons you are teaching me, to utterly trust in Your plans for my life and help me to live in Your will.