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Friday, September 30, 2011

My desire

I'm sitting here contemplating on whether to let you in on the rest of my story or not. In a way, I feel like it might be leaving my emotions too raw but it is my therapy and my way of articulating what I'm going through.

So as the rest of it goes. We were super excited about this pregnancy even though it was not exactly planned. After all, we had been married 2 years now. In our African culture you're expected to have a baby 9 months after the nuptials!

Two days later, I started bleeding a little and then it turned into heavy and heavier bleeding still. I was so scared I thought I would go crazy. I drove myself to the ER and was told I was going through a miscarriage. Darn it! "Why me?". I held my composure while sitting in the ER and I had never felt so alone in my entire life! Hospitals are some of the most lonesome places in the world and without family present, it's even worst. I called my husband to let him know what was happening and he came over to be with me.

Now you might wonder if I never felt the presence of God enfolding me with warmth in that moment. All I did was focus on the sadness and the pain I was feeling in that instant. I wish I had known then what I do know now; that he knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.