of childhood dreams and loves lost

I used to love you from the deepest core of my being
That sense of wonder at your very existence
The childlike awe at the sound of your laughter
But it breaks my heart to realize I'm losing it...

I used to love you from my waking hours 'til dark and in my dreams
That place where fairies, unicorns and Santa Claus were real
The innocence of my love in loving you completely
But it saddens my heart, my Love's disappearing...

How could this be, what do I do?
I can't let go, I only know how to love you
Can shattered dreams be put together?
Would wounded hearts be mended in time?

How far away is the place I dreamed?
I need to go back to love like never before
Can my love be the beacon that beckons me on?
How do I get there, would you show me the way?


© 12/14/2012 Maxine Mosley Totoe

I will never return to this place
My place of solitude and comfort
I have found a new place
It may not be as familiar
But it has become my home
My new normal
Forged out of necessity
Carved after much thought
This life is completely changed forever
That's the beauty of it though
This consistency in change

Willful

She walks around like a ghostly figure
Wishing for her own demise
No desire to live her life to the fullest
As if it was by mistake that she happened upon this earth

She pushes her life to the limit
Wishing death to claim her if he may
But even that request falls on deaf ears
For death has no claim over her life

What makes such a person lose all hope
To cease to exist in this lifetime
If only I could take a peak into her brain
Perhaps I might gain some understanding

Likely a vague insight into her being
A fleeting wish to live, maybe
For now I'll treat her with empathy
This shadowy figure might retreat no more

It is

Some have prepared for it
Others have struggled with it
A few are dealing with it
Yet still many are oblivious to it
I have chosen to embrace it
Full on with no regrets to it
If I am going to live it
Then I purposefully will love it
This is my lifetime isn't it...
I will live every bit of it

Love Culture

I feel your love
I'm experiencing the thrill
I am caught up in this
The heaviness of this wave
That's tossing me and bending me
Beneath its warm and powerful curl
I'm loving this
This ride of a lifetime
Don't know when or how
It does not matter to me
I am fully aware that you are in this
All I can do is stare
Allow it to take over my mind, body, soul
Hmm, the way you love me
This has become my way of life

Say what?

I got done getting ready and took one last look in the mirror and thought to myself "self, you look good tonight". Now if you're like me, you have those "ugly" days or days when you feel like even if God slapped a bow on you, you'd still look like sponge bob. (can you tell I'm not a fan of the yellow sponge that lives under the sea?)

Anyways, so the intention as I went on my merry way was not necessarily to turn heads but I figured a few compliments might be nice so wore my sensible heels, put on my favorite lip gloss in the car and touched up my mascara. The darn thing nearly took my eye out. Next time I'm in need of a weapon I might remember to use it. I arrived at my destination and everyone was in flip lops! Seriously! Did I miss the memo that this was a beach party? I'm talking dirty-half-worn-out flip flops! If this does not bother you, then you probably live in the Midwest!

Hanging out with a group of women looking like a bunch of thirteen year old boys is not my idea of fun times. Some people seem to think that in order to put the effort into looking nice another human being has to be the object of that effort. That just absolutely bothers me. Can I just do things for me just because it feels great? Or is that too selfish? It physically drains me to see women looking frumpy all the time. Can you at least pretend to care? Come on, live a little!

Full Circle

Part of the link in the chain is broken,
Part of the piece that held this fragile bond is gone
She always called me "MINE", her token
And rightfully so 'cos mama named me after her
I always viewed her with awe
Amazed at her depth of insight and lore,
At the command of respect from all
Her name may not be known to all
Yet she remains one of the very best in my world
It was time for your appointment with Him
When it is time for ours, the lights will dim
Broken will be our earthly cord
The links in this chain will be restored

For my Beloved Grandmother !

Slap in the Face

So I said a prayer for you tonight
Through the hurt and the pain and tears
I said a prayer for you
I asked him to keep you safe
To keep what He's given you safe
To enfold  you in His care

It was the only way I could ease my pain

The one way I knew how to deal with it

Without pity but with empathy

Realized I have this habit

Of putting much importance on my value in friendships

I tend to think of my friends as my family
And almost expect them to behave as such
I've made that mistake several times
But I am yet to learn from it
So to me, you're still my sister friend
And I'm asking Him to give me the strength
To be there for you, to be your shoulder to lean on

I'll say another prayer soon
Hoping that He's watching over you and I
Hanging on to past memories of joy
Obliterating every bitterness from my heart
Do not want to add to your disappointment
Do not want to add to your insecuirty
So I'll keep saying those prayers
Sending warm thoughts and hugs
To you and yours

Water, Water, Everywhere!

Well as some of you have figured out already, I am a health nut of some sort. Not my fault, it's the Nurse in me. When I was younger, my mum used to have a glass of water by her bedside every morning and I used to wonder why she would do that. I hated drinking water unless it had some sugar in it or was carbonated! She always encouraged us to drink a tall glass of water and I guess she was on to something. Here goes...

... DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH. Apparently, it is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven its value. Now I can not vouch for these research claims but I can attest to the fact that drinking water on an empty stomach in the morning, gives me the same boost of energy as eating a small bowl of cereal and also gets your metabolism going! Just try it for a week and see if you don't feel better. I also aim to drink at least 4 bottles( 600ml) each day! I realize that most of the time, the majority of colored people admitted while I was working at the hospital were dehydrated so consider this my little campaign to get us hydrated! Quench your thirst, people!

Also, the following fruits are dear to my heart and if you are not a huge fan of Bananas like myself, you can substitute with Plantains.

Bananas: Protects your heart , Quiets a cough ,Strengthens bones ,Controls blood pressure, Blocks diarrhea

Blueberries: Combats cancer, Protects your heart,Stabilizes blood sugar,Boosts memory, Prevents constipation

Broccoli: Strengthens bones,Saves eyesight,Combats cancer, Protects your heart,Controls blood pressure

Cabbage: Combats cancer,Prevents constipation,Promotes weight loss,Protects your heart,
Helps hemorrhoids

Have a happy and Healthy Monday!

Fellow Traveller

This is to my Fellow traveller on this journey called life. He pushed me to think of the possibilities that lay ahead of me if only I will let go of my fears. It is also dedicated to those who have lost the love they once knew. Here is my encouragement to you to find that passion again!

He said, she said, they said, we agreed
We talked about old tasks and deeds
Three nods, three hands, and eyes connect
We make a pact to stay in touch


He said, she said, they said all forgotten
All hopes and dreams appear abandoned
One thought, one touch and all's remembered

We come together, a pact to fulfil


He said, she said, they said again
This journey is long but begin we must
Your burden is mine and mine is yours
We take this step, our pact renewed

Copyright ©2009 Maxine Mosley Totoe

There's more hope for the HOPE-LESS?

We had a the Partners World Wide meeting this morning and I was reminded if the book " Against All Hope: Hope for Africa. I wrote this post back in May of last year when I hang out at Thomas' job site. I was going to start reading " The Paris Option" by Robert Ludlum but I sat at the desk and saw a book titled " Against all hope: Hope for Africa by Darrow L. Miller and Scott Allen. I usually try to steer clear of such books because it is usually written by folks who have not really experienced Africa in the the sense that its inhabitants have experienced it. Such people can always go and conduct their researches in Africa and decide to leave when they are done or running out of funding. The people in the motherland however, continue to live and make ends meet no matter what. That alone I think should speak to the will power to live and survive against the odds. I have not read the booklet into detail yet but one statement that caught my eye on page 32 was "Resources do not come from the ground but from the innovation of the human mind." That's quite an interesting statement that kept resonating in my mind as I kept reading the book.

There were so many things to be said in response to the authors views and it made me wonder if they were right and I was wrong. I have always been aware of the kind of hopelessness that is evident when you speak to most Africans or Ghanaians to be more specific. According to the authors of the book, our main problem or the root of all our struggles is the fact that our worldview is wrong. The statement they made was that "The root of the problem is inside the minds of the people of the continent." Is this really true? If it is, then what has shaped our worldview? Where did we go wrong/ How did we end up with a fatalist/ spiritist worldview which is deeply rooted in the Animistic culture? As a christian, I have always believed that when you take God out of the equation, then things start going downhill because this has been very true of my life. Is the worldview of the average African really fatalistic and spiritist?

Aren't Asian nations like China and Singapore mainly of a different worldview other than Christian or Godly? Why are they not poorer than Africa? I think I need to have a chat with my father about this issue because my little mind is overwhelmed by the questions. How can we rise out of the dark black hole that we have been portrayed to be in? How can we get our corrupt leaders to realize that the good of the community supersedes that of individual interests?Can anybody give me any answers?

So many people start with good intentions but somehow things usually seem to not end so great. Why are we so pessimistic and so distrustful of each other when it comes to success? Why do we have the PHD(Pull Him/Her Down) syndrome when it comes to success. It seems almost as if some of our people enjoy seeing other people's down fall even if they are family. Man, the effects of colonialism can not be downplayed but we were bullying each other and looking down on other tribes before they came to colonize us. Or? I suppose as long as one person esteems himself higher than another, this will remain a problem. Why is this so in a country where the majority of people profess to be Christian? Aren't we in humility supposed to consider others better than ourselves? But alas, we are only human and we are as fallen as can be and in need of redemption(Yes, I went to Calvin College thus the creation, fall redemption view).

I do not have many answers to my questions yet. I am very excited to think about the possibility of helping to make people's life better without expecting anything in return. In doing so, I need to be more careful about my expectations and the rate at which human empowerment will happen. I guess part of the problem is that we have been given the fish so many times without being taught how to fish so even if we were given the tools to fish, our lazy behinds tend to think about how easy it will be if only someone will do all that work and catch the fish for us. Lord we need to be reminded constantly of your GRACE and how sufficient it is for us.

Longest day

Well, here I was thinking I was going to be a better blogger this year and I have not accomplished that so far. Well it is still the beginning of the year yet. I woke up really early this morning.Well early for me since I am unemployed. I had an appointment at my doctor's office for a little infection my body is trying to fight. I was supposed to be there at 8:50am but got there at 9:00am due to an accident on I-96. I also had a hair appointment at 10:00am but I had left the hair extensions at home so I had to drive back home and get those and finally made it to the salon at about 10:30. Man, I hate wasting gas! That means I did not fill my prescription for the antibiotic as I was supposed to.

It took forever for my hair to be done. I do like the people who do my hair. They are funny and it is interesting to hear them speak thir Liberian English. However, I wish they would not talk so loudly sometimes and talk on the phone a lot. At times I seeth a little but don't show it. I also wish they knew how to handle nappy hair better instead of pulling it and combing from the base up. Black people need to learn how to take care of our nappy hair better. Drives me nuts sometimes but they are the only good place I know around here. They are really nice people though!!!...Oh well, can't have it all can you? So after like 6 hours, the hair was still not done.(Mind you, I have super nappy hair and it is very thick)I had to leave for rehearsal so I drove all the way back to Grandville to make it just in time. I grabbed a double cheese burger and a coke on my way. I haven't had a McDonalds in ages! I don't like meat a whole lot(especially beef!)

So anyways, rehearsals was done by 8:45 and I went back to Grand Rapids(Eastern and Burton) to finish getting my hair done. Anyways, long story short, it seemed like such a long day! Even though I spoke to Thomas(my hubby) a lot on the phone, I feel like I hardly saw him today and I missed him a lot. I need to learn to manage my time better and always be ontime or right intime to places because I really do not appreciate when people waste my time. I hope I can get my prescription for the antibiotic filled tomorrow. There is a lot on my mind right now. I guess there always is. I will have to keep my word and blog about them later. Adios! Vivir la buena vida!!!(Bye! Live the good life)

ADDICT?

So I have finally come to the conclusion that I am a sucker for fashion. I am not necessarily trendy but I love to put whatever I feel good in together and it is a pleasure to hear people comment on how they look. Am I conceited and self absorbed then? I don't think so. Anyways, I have also come to the conclusion that:
1. I am a night owl
2. I am addicted to spicy/slightly salty food
3. I kind of enjoy soda/pop when it is available but I can overdose on water on certain days!
4. I am beginning to care too much about my body since I am technically sharing it with someone but I acknowledge that it is because I want that person(precious hubby) to appreciate it as much as I do.
5. I don't obsess about calories like most Americans do
6. I love reality TV... (bad habit!...it's got to go soon!)
7. I need to read more and write more poetry like I used to
8. I can actually come off as really quiet and shy!(outrageous!)
9. I do not care about some friends as much as I do and I need to work on it
10. I can be very legalistic
11. I sometimes care too much about what people think
12. I love some of my friends a lot and wish they were actually family
13. I am passionate about my family
14. I love Pina Coladas with no Banana:)
15. Banku is a weakness...add some grilled tilapia and its over!
16. I think about God and what He means to me a lot...constantly
17. I hate lies, being lied to, hypocrites and even the slightest form of deception is very distasteful to me
18. I am not perfect but I don't wallow in my imperfections
19. Infact I believe I am very special to God in a way that most people won't get
20. I am tired but not very sleepy right now... this shd go in my "about me" section

Word

I am still very buffled by the world around me. People are very interesting and very strange. I usually pay close attention to the kind of interaction that goes on in between people and it always amazes me. I usually wonder if people are being truthful, fake, mean, nice or just real! Anyways, I have to call home. Oh...I'm thinking of doing lunch with some of the Calvin girls tomorrow. We'll see if that happens.

I am trying to embed some music and its driving me nuts. Anyways, I'll try it again later. Uhm...Oh I am going to be volunteering for Planned Parenthood! I do understand that some people think they are the abortion group but before anyone chews me out for selling my soul to the devil group, here me out. They are Pro Choice which means they have to present people with all the choices that are available including the pros and cons of every decision they decide to go with. Its more like helping people to make informed decisions. I know some people may beg to differ but really, this is what I believe they are about. I'm really looking forward to learning from people! I gotta go now. The hubby is in and we need to enjoy each other!...

Before I forget, I had a haircut! Yep I cut my long tresses and opted for a short crop.