Back Then

As my story goes, it seemed I had seen my fair share of pain and disappointment but life had to go on. Come January 6 2010, I had another positive pregnancy test. I was apprehensive of this result. I took maybe a million more after that just to be sure it was right. All the subsequent ones were quite positive. "Darn it, here we go again", I thought. On January 19, 2010, I had my first OB appointment and my doctor figured I was probably 5 weeks along. On February 15, 2010 my heart absolutely sunk as we were told at the appointment that we are possibly going to lose this baby too. No kidding! Can you imagine being all excited about something only to find out you are not going to have the very thing you crave after all.

In my journal, my husband made this entry: Today we found out we are possibly losing our baby. It is sad but we are assured God is in control. How does one prepare for the worst and hope for the best at the same time. It is enough to give anyone a broken heart and mine was completely shattered into pieces. I didn't want to utter the words that I was done with wanting to have a baby but I thought about it all the time. Why put myself through such an ordeal again? To me it was all pointless! At this point, I had pretty much given up but still tried to hold on to hope. I'm telling you a little bit of hope is all that's needed sometimes.

The physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage can not really be compared to anything else. It left me completely broken and my emotions were just raw. Everything made me cry! The worst part was returning to work where there were other pregos!