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Friday, January 27, 2012

9/16/11- Easily one of the toughest days of my entire life. Saw my son laying down so helpless and being vented. His little heart seemed to beating on it's own but I didn't have the guts to take a look. I spent a few minutes at the bedside and balled my eyes out after leaving the unit. I know God is in control so I just let my words be few and give it all unto him. The very core of my faith, our faith, has been shaken but we are not broken because He lives and his word has told us that we will be alright.

I find it so ironic that I was actually reading the book of Job to Kyle on 9/14/11 which was supposed to be the original date of his surgery. It saddened my heart that I let what I saw completely floor me. I looked by sight once again. How could I? I questioned God even though I could not form the words, I did in my heart and my guilt was consuming me. Did my tears mean I did not trust my maker to do what He had said He would?

I could not allow any negative thoughts in at this time. Try as I did, there would be an occasional fleeting thought of doubt and so I decided to listen to music(mostly hillsongs, delirious, paul baloche, josh wilson, britt nicole etc). I hated that it seemed like I was deliberately trying to make things seem better but I have learned that when one is intentional about something, it can produce amazing and often times positive outcomes! It's such things that faith is made up of.

our amazing miracle, Kyle David