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Friday, September 30, 2011

My desire

I'm sitting here contemplating on whether to let you in on the rest of my story or not. In a way, I feel like it might be leaving my emotions too raw but it is my therapy and my way of articulating what I'm going through.

So as the rest of it goes. We were super excited about this pregnancy even though it was not exactly planned. After all, we had been married 2 years now. In our African culture you're expected to have a baby 9 months after the nuptials!

Two days later, I started bleeding a little and then it turned into heavy and heavier bleeding still. I was so scared I thought I would go crazy. I drove myself to the ER and was told I was going through a miscarriage. Darn it! "Why me?". I held my composure while sitting in the ER and I had never felt so alone in my entire life! Hospitals are some of the most lonesome places in the world and without family present, it's even worst. I called my husband to let him know what was happening and he came over to be with me.

Now you might wonder if I never felt the presence of God enfolding me with warmth in that moment. All I did was focus on the sadness and the pain I was feeling in that instant. I wish I had known then what I do know now; that he knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Say what? Circa JULY 2009

I am about to take you on a very personal journey. It might be difficult to read my blog from today forward but i hope and pray that it will be a great source of encouragement and upliftment for you. Come with me to way back in 2009 ...

July 10, 2009
No I am not! Really? Oh my God! Well I stopped taking it back in January! Oh my goodness. That is so precious!

Yes, this was me this afternoon at the clinic I volunteer at after I found out that yes indeed, I am preggers! I have done several pregnancy tests on other women and if any of those test had a deep line and a faint one as bold as mine, I definitely would have concluded that they were pregnant so why was I doubting mine? I had another nurse check with me just to be sure! I mean it's not like we have not been trying. Oh trust me, we have!

For some reason, I expected to know the exact moment of the conception of my sweet pea. We had been talking about babies so much lately that God must have decided we were ready! ahaha... Wow, I am still so excited I just want to do cartwheels. I told Thomas that today and he goes "is that safe for the baby?" Dork! uhm, before baby, I was, is and still AM!... You should have seen his face. He looked like he had just had a great meal or received his dream job offer! So cute!

When I found out, I could not contain it. I felt like I was going to burst. I had tears in my eyes, I could not keep my voice down. I walked around with a bounce and a spring in my step. My baby! A part of me! A person consisting of a part of Thomas and I! I had to tell him even though I knew he would not be able to concentrate at work. So I went to the volunteer common room, took my phone out of my bag and started dialing. First try, no answer, second try:

Tomeister: Hello(in an almost whisper meaning Tomtom is in a meeting). Hey sweetie, Is everything ok, I figured if you were calling for the second time something must be up
Me: Guess what? Uhm, the test was super positive!
Tomeister: What test
Me: The pregnancy test
Tomeister: Oh really? wow, it's as if we knew before though didn't we? wow, I want to come home.
Me: hahaha... I'm at the clinic anyways so will see you later at home. I love you honey
Tomeister: I am so excited I can not go back and concentrate. OK will see you soon. Love you!

I know I was not all mushy about it but inside, I'm telling you I was ready to burst! The rest of the day went by in a blur. We went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy book and then I got a pregnancy journal! I am chronicling every bit of this experience as much as I can. Thank You Lord for this Blessing, thank you for my sweet little pea. Oh Thomas said something very thoughtful tonight. He said " Now I am a Man! I have been walking around in this sort of boy-man state but today, I feel like a man". I love this man, a lot!