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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

lately

So am I an idealist or just plain delusional? I choose gratitude and refuse to feed into misery because misery does love company. Call me crazy but focusing on the positives and being thankful has proven to be a lot more beneficial to my overall well being than the opposite. I have had my fair share of pain and I struggle with it on a constant basis to be grateful in life but God has been good through it all. Even in the times when my vision is tunneled and all I visualize is the distraction and uncertainty and heartache.

Why do people refuse to see that gratitude is the mark of maturity in several areas of life? Why do people get mad when others remain positive no matter their circumstances? Oh wait, misery loves company! I am sure it is quite annoying to see other people's lives as perfect while your's remains drab, boring and full of pain but for the love of all that is good, please don't compare your life to another's. You do not know their struggle or hassle. You only see a snippet of a person's life online and it is mostly just the good that is put out there. Don't believe the hollywood hype either. Real life is full of highs and lows and no situation is permanent. If you're down right now, dust yourself and get back up. Keep pressing on.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

these days and times

It's been increasingly difficult to find time to take a shower let alone sit and write a blog post. Who knew having two kids under three could be such a challenge! As I always say, I have so much respect and appreciation for my parents after becoming one myself. Granted they had a lot of extended family to help but it is still not an easy task. Parenting requires a lot of grace and I need more than I can handle :)

So far this year has been full of downs. First Kyle got pneumonia, then double ear infection and keeps getting sick at daycare partly because he mouths everything and his immune system is apparently not strong enough so he keeps getting everyone's germs. Grrr... Then there's the joys of living in the frozen tundra and having schools and daycares close several times so one of us has to miss work and stay home. Who's going to be paying for these hospital bills when we can't even work a full week without all these interruptions? Oh and I got in an accident just when I thought things were looking up finally! Hahaha... God must have had a good laugh :-)

Truth is, I know nothing I do or don't do will separate me from the love of God but lately I've been feeling a little distant. I've not prayed as much. The few times I string a sentence together, it always seems like a petition or request. I feel emotionally tired, drained, physically weak, mentally challenged and just all around frustrated. There are days when I want to look up and shake my  fist at God and then I am reminded of the book of Job! Who am I to be questioning the almighty when I was not present as He laid the foundations for this earth?

For now, I am going to take it each day at a time. Some days are full of victories and others are not. I remember praying the prayer of Agur and it has been such a reality in my life. It really is true that if you ask to be in God's will, you had better make sure that you're ready for it or the reality of His will concerning your life will put you in total and complete shock.
 Lord grant me more grace to live for You

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Stationery Card

Stationery Card
View the entire collection of cards.

Our newest addition,Shane Steven! To God be the glory!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Where did the year go

My blogging has become so sporadic that sometimes I wonder if anyone follows this blog anymore or if my story impacts anyone's life at all. That's quite alright because writing is a creative outlet for me and not my whole life. It allows me to take an inventory of what is going on in my life and gives me the ability to sit back and figure out what I'm doing wrong or right. There is some comfort in knowing that. That said, I wish I could blog more often but if you follow me on instagram or are my friend on facebook, you'd know we have a new addition to our family tree. It gives me much joy and I am grateful to God for all His provision. That'll have to be a whole other blog post for another day.

So I am pondering over going back to work and putting my kids in daycare. Has anyone struggled with this? It kind of breaks my heart a little :-( I need more grace! Parenting a high needs toddler and a newborn is no joke. I have also felt a little stagnant in my relationship with God lately. Moving and all these changes have made it difficult to commit to a church. I love the African church family I have visited here in MN so far but I also yearn for something more. NOT something similar to my church experience in Michigan per se, but a deeper understanding and fellowshipping with other believers would be amazing. Torn!

Anyways, I hope everyone's year is going great. I celebrated another birthday and hopefully I am wiser :-) God Bless!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Uhm

Wowsers! It'e been another century since I blogged. Being a mama is taking it's toll I tell ya! I've moved again and amidst a few wistful emotional moments, I think I have handled it pretty well. So we're in a new state, new city... we have to make new friends,find a new church, meet new coworkers and colleagues. Oh dear Lord, do have mercy! I must say it's going pretty well so far. The worst part for me is finding new healthcare providers that I can trust. Y'all say a prayer for us!

In all of the chaos of setting up house, I have learned that God is faithful. He's been with us through it all. For me especially, I acknowledge that nothing in my life is possible without God's grace and faithfulness. Just the other day I was sharing with my dad what a toll my son's health issues has taken on my faith without even realizing it. You see, sometimes we lose sight of the hereafter when all we see is the chaos of now. I am slowly getting back up to that point where I am so in tune with God and what direction He has for my life. Through my unfaithfulness, He still remains sovereign! Thank You Jesus.

Do say a prayer for my family when you get a minute... the prayers of the righteous availeth much indeed :-)

Monday, May 20, 2013

The "Why"

My husband graduated from business school this past weekend. So ladies and gentlemen, I have a proud Baylor Business MBA holder  under my roof. I am quite excited for the next chapter of our lives. We got together with a couple different families to celebrate the accomplishments of our loved ones and it was during of these encounters that the inspiration for this post was coined up.

There was discussions on an inspirational piece of literature that talks about finding one's "why" in life. This can be the reason for your existence, the reason why you've made certain decisions or are going through a certain situation. I guess finding this "why" gives a purpose to a person's life. It got me thinking about my life. In the last few years I have reflected on many "whys" without a clear answer.

The thing is, in a way, if I knew all the whys in every situation, then my vision will be somewhat distorted and myopic. I somehow need the uncertainties in life in order to see the bigger picture or keep my focus on this above and not focus on just this earthly view. All I can do is do my very best with whatever situation I find myself in. I could explore all the whys to the point of exhaustion and still be back at square one. If I am doing my best, however, then I can be rest assured that He who holds the future will someway, somehow, crown my effort with success.

I don't want to take away from those in hot pursuit of their "why" in life. I am just saying that sometimes, we need to quit the whining, over-analyzing and just be in the moment and ask God to take our hand and lead us home. May you be content with your lot and find that silver lining no matter how dark your cloud might be.

Congratulations again honey, and to everyone who graduated or will be graduating this year, Job well done!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

March Madness

I feel like there are so many changes my family is going through this year that it's made it almost impossible to just sit and put my thoughts into words. God's been good :-) So looking forward to hubby being done with school! I was going through "my little basket of treasures" when I came across and old poem/prayer written about 8 years ago. Enjoy

 God bless the poor in spirit
God bless the afflicted soul
God grant the request of the suffering
God's grace be upon the destitute

Fill their days with laughter
Fill their hearts with joy
Fill their waking hours with peace
Fill their minds with Your love

I pray for a quiet spirit that is reflective on and of God's redemptive presence this Easter for each and everyone of us.

© 03/28/2013 Maxine Mosley Totoe

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Just as I am

I had one of those full on cry, gratitude, thankful filled moments sometime this week and it was utterly and completely out of the blue. See, I don't celebrate Kyle's milestones in the same way other people do because  if you had been with me the day I was given his diagnosis, you probably would have balled your eyes out(which I did) and maybe questioned if you should have terminated this miracle. My God has been simply amazing with teaching me to be patient or better yet to be "still and know that He is God". What an awesome God!

For me, pregnancy was a fearful place to be. I was worried sick. Fear and trepidation gripped me all the way through but I have had to relearn and understand some aspects of who my God is. He has been the healer God, the provider and my victory. Thank you Jesus for your love and grace!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Chapter 2013, page 2 of 365

THE FIT

I want to walk in your shoes
Be it Louboutin, Louis Vuiton or just Antoine.
To feel every pinch, squeeze and discomfort.
Whether a step, a mile or the whole way through
 
I want to know how you choose your shoes                     
Be it gifted,Thrifted or shoplifted
To know how you buckle, zip or button it
Whether you snap it close or carefully count the holes
 
I will learn to strut in your shoes
Be it well calculated steps, graceful sauntering or haphazard jiggling
To endure with you if even for a fleeting moment
Whether sympathy is displayed or empathy is conveyed

© 01/02/2013 Maxine Mosley Totoe

Friday, December 14, 2012

of childhood dreams and loves lost

I used to love you from the deepest core of my being
That sense of wonder at your very existence
The childlike awe at the sound of your laughter
But it breaks my heart to realize I'm losing it...

I used to love you from my waking hours 'til dark and in my dreams
That place where fairies, unicorns and Santa Claus were real
The innocence of my love in loving you completely
But it saddens my heart, my Love's disappearing...

How could this be, what do I do?
I can't let go, I only know how to love you
Can shattered dreams be put together?
Would wounded hearts be mended in time?

How far away is the place I dreamed?
I need to go back to love like never before
Can my love be the beacon that beckons me on?
How do I get there, would you show me the way?


© 12/14/2012 Maxine Mosley Totoe