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Sunday, July 19, 2009

One Life Stand!

Here comes the Bride, there goes her friends! (I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter,But I think it's about forgiveness,Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore... Written by Mike Campbell, Don Henley and J. D. Souther)
I was reading someones blog the other day (sorry I forgot who) and she was lamenting over the thought that her married friends do not hang out anymore after the nuptials. This was not taken lightly on her part. I felt quite sad for her and could almost feel the pain and passion with which she was writing. It was almost as if she had lost her best friend or several other friends to the "marital status". Her thought was you will need your friends when so and so messes up and you have no one to talk to. "Aha!" I thought, why are you setting her up to fail even before she starts her journey?

I know this has crossed the mind of many single people with married friends but my question is " has anyone thought about the fact that these two people are assuming new roles and need time to adjust to them before making demands of them?" When people get married they shed the boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee persona for a new one (husband/wife) which requires a lot of getting used to. After all, you have been single all your life and have had a lot of practice at being your single self.

I was telling my dad that the reason I don't think the hubby and I need to have kids at least for a year and a half to two years after getting married is because we need to get to know each other in these new roles as well as adjust to it individually before subjecting anyone else to it. I know in most African communities, it is expected that 9 months after getting married, the baby will arrive! Yikes! That's the route my sister went and I suppose it is a matter of personal preference but I honestly would have been a little overwhelmed. Thank God I have a family that does not pressure me about having children!... my two year period is almost up though...:)

So if you're reading this and you have some married friends, please take a chill pill. I have plenty in my medicine cabinet. Give your married friends a break. They need a little time to just be Mr. and Mrs. I pointed out to a fellow blogger that the Bible does say (in 1 Corinthians 7:28) that "But those who marry will face many troubles in this life,... so please in addition to all their worldly troubles, don't add yours as a friend. Go on your knees and say a prayer for them from time to time and during the ceremony, do take your vow as a friend seriously! Someday, they will need you for sure and whether they have been in touch constantly or not, you took a vow, to be there for them as a friend so be there! They are in a new profession and they are learning on the job. That's my excuse as a married woman :)


Vera Ezimora said...

I think it goes both ways. As an single person, I can understand where the girl is coming from. As a single person, it might be a little more difficult understanding and accommodating your now married friend. The married friend, on the other hand, should remember to have some time for the single ones. I think it's all part of the honeymoon, you know. It's easy to get caught up with hubby, and quiet frankly, it's probably okay too. After all, he's the one she'll be living with for the rest of her life. But she needs to remember to spare some time - even if it's once a month to hang out with old pals. No person - single or not - will like to be forgotten and then remembered all of a sudden when there is a little problem.

Oh, well.

What do I know? I'm not married. lol

Maxine Mosley Totoe said...

Thanks for your comment Vera! I get what you mean. Kind of like Bling on the finger, friends outta mind! It can be difficult to maintain that balance especially if friends from both sides had never really hang out before the wedding. It is good advice to make time to catch up even if it is a simple phone call. I am only pleading that the single ones just give it time. Don't give up on the married folk yet :) We're learning on the job...hehe

Nana Yaw Asiedu said...

Direct, thoughtful post. Being unmarried, but having 'lost' a few friends (esp female) to marriage, I was very interested in your view. My own view, though, is still not made up.

Sweetnothin' said...

So you're married eh, Amen oh. Congratulations.

Wish i could say much but really, I shed my friends when they get married, for obvious reasons.Marriage is contagious and as much as i want the ring, i dont want anyother part of it ( You know I'm kidding right!!!)

Anonymous said...

So then what is the point of dating? I thought you date a person to get to know them inside out and marriage is just to make it official to spend the rest of your lives together? I could be wrong.

I still don't understand why some females especially (its almost never the men, always the women) think that once they get married, they need so many months/years to get to know their husbands better and therefore end up cutting their friends off.

While I completely understand that as a married person, it will be impossible to hang out like you did in your single days, I think its very silly when some women act like their lives have changed overnight just because they are married. You do not morph into a new human being soon after you say I do. If the only time you have to get to know your hubby is the 1 or 2 or 3 years right after you get married, then maybe, just maybe, you should have spent more time dating..... Just my thoughts.

Maxine Mosley Totoe said...

@Nana Yaw- I'm sad for your "loss"

@Sweetnothin- Shed paa? I beg don't shed them oo.:)

@Anonymous- hmmm, I dare say you sound like you have experienced this. My apologies on behalf of your friend. Oh and my words may have come out wrong but I meant the first couple of years are just to help you adjust to your new roles not get to know each other... "date to get to know someone inside and out"? What will be left to get to know when you're married? It does take a lifetime to get to know people! We're constantly changing...

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if my comment came out as a personal attack. My bad.

Maxine Mosley Totoe said...

@Anon- not at all. I am learning on the job as I said:) No love lost

Sunshinelovespeace said...

As a married woman let me say that you DO need time to get to know your partner and your roles once you get married. Dating and marriage, two completely different ball games. That a person will never understand until they are married themselves.

And as far as hanging out with your friends needing to be super duper important still, I disagree. Especially in the beginning. Being married is not some thing you did that say when all the people came and you had cake and wore a pretty dress… it is a life long commitment. It is an opportunity for two people to come together and hopefully make some beautiful things come out of the partnership. It is special and wonderful and should be given as much quality time as the couple wants to give it. I have been married three years now and my husband is my best friend. Hanging out with him trumps hanging out with anyone else on any day of the week. We have a great marriage and I know it is because of the level of attention and care and time we give to each other.

I know that was a lot but I had to say something on this topic.

(I found you via BGLH)

Merrymary said...

Maxine where did you find that cute pic on the bottom right it soo cute!!!

I think your right about the post I mean sometimes I feel myself a bit upset when my good friend cant hang out cos shes doing something with her bf but it doesnt mean I dont understand.. es la vida - changing seasons and all that so if anything people shd be a bit more supportivexx

blogoratti said...

Obviously, time spent with friends will reduce significantly-once you get married.
There's a time for everything. A time to move on, and a time to face reality!

Maxine Mosley Totoe said...

@ Sunshine, blogoratti, MerryMary- true talk! Thanks for keeping it real!

yankeenaijababe said...


Time will definitely reduce once one gets married with the friends and the couple will need to focus on each other.

hope you are doing great.

yankeenaijababe said...

Not married yet but I think it is also very easy for married ladies to tie their lives to that of the hubby. Our husbands are great but yes, we must also have time for our girlfriends. I really don't recommend for a couple to cut off completely from their single friends. Not worth doing at any point in time, I haven't crossed the hurdle yet but I hope to maintain a cross balance between both married life and single friends.

Enjoy your Wednesday.

Maxine Mosley Totoe said...

@ YNC- Thanks for asking, I am doing great. Been sick for a little bit in the past month but I doing way better!
And it's true you need to keep a balance. I guess it also depends on the kind of relationship between your hubby and your friends too. Or?

Larom said...

I guess coming from this view, now i can partly understand why married women shed friends....

But no one loves been an option and this is when they start having problems.

Friendship is a beautiful thing and marriage should not disrupt it

Maxine said...

@ Larom-Thanks for your thoughts on this issue. Thanks for partly understanding this point of view. I guess the same could be said of marriage too; Marriage is a beautiful thing and friendship should not disrupt it :P We need to find some balance at some point right?

Adanne said...

I'm single and I agree with you! My friend recently got married and accused *me* of not keeping in touch! That's because I believed that I should give them space to adjust to their new lives together. When they come up for air, I'll be right here :)

Even as a single person dating, I've had the unfortunate experience of a new relationship end prematurely because I was trying to balance dating and my friends.

Also, I heard/read somewhere that married couples should mingle with married couples and the same goes for single people. Not to say that we singles are contagious but there's a shift in values that single people don't get. I know I wouldn't want my hubby going clubbing with his single friends!

Anonymous said...

Great post. I just read my first blog, I hear alot about "blogs" but have never really read any or understood it. Very Interesting. Anyways,I think you are right. As a new wife myself, I feel I need to have some time with my husbad and get to know him without distractions. I could be wrong, but i feel sometimes surrounding yourself with married couples motivates both of you, cos we all know marriage is a long journey and it takes a lot of hardwork. My husband and I just visited his friend and his wife, and just experiencing their married life, was very interesting and I really felt motivated. Oh well!
I also liked what you said about "having kids" and wanting to wait and get to know each other better. I guess everyone is different, We've married for 3months but we plan on starting a family very soon. I started getting pressure from family and friends as soon as we got married, and i resisted. But, being a 28 year old woman, I feel the best time for me is now. They say having kids after 30 is difficult (Though I know God will bless me with "fertility" till I am ready to stop. So like you mentioned its "a matter of personal reference."
Goodluck and i must say, you are a beautiful woman. Oh and guess what, just like you I decided on going natural (hair) right after my wedding, my last relaxer was August(I havent cut all my relaxed hair out yet, I've started wearing full weaves to help with the growth)

Anonymous said...

i just had to comment although it feels like forever since this ws posted ages ago.

As a single gal, i have gone through a lot of changes in my life with friends from just them having boyfriends and now marriage.

I think these are some of the lessons in life a lot of women especially do not learn ontime and good friendships are lost along the way.

When i was still very young my aunti(bless her heart) taughtt me a lot and one of the things she told me was, 'my dear no matter how much you love your friends things will never stay the same as all of you grow up'. That does not mean they love you less. There will be boyfriends, marriage then children, career or other stuff that will get in the way. Your job is to love them regardless, support, pray and be there for them.

Life is a learning curve and untill they learn to balance every change in their lives, some part of their lives will suffer neglet. (wise lady right)

more than 10 years and the time is here,my friends are getting married, i understand and give them the space they need to adjust. e.g my single friends and i can be on the phone till tomorrow, i do not expect i will be doing that when i marry or they marry.

SO young single ladies, the earlier you get it that with time everything changes the less heartbreak you will go through.

Maxine said...

Very wise, Anonymous! It is a quite good advice :)