9/16/11- Easily one of the toughest days of my entire life. Saw my son laying down so helpless and being vented. His little heart seemed to beating on it's own but I didn't have the guts to take a look. I spent a few minutes at the bedside and balled my eyes out after leaving the unit. I know God is in control so I just let my words be few and give it all unto him. The very core of my faith, our faith, has been shaken but we are not broken because He lives and his word has told us that we will be alright.

I find it so ironic that I was actually reading the book of Job to Kyle on 9/14/11 which was supposed to be the original date of his surgery. It saddened my heart that I let what I saw completely floor me. I looked by sight once again. How could I? I questioned God even though I could not form the words, I did in my heart and my guilt was consuming me. Did my tears mean I did not trust my maker to do what He had said He would?

I could not allow any negative thoughts in at this time. Try as I did, there would be an occasional fleeting thought of doubt and so I decided to listen to music(mostly hillsongs, delirious, paul baloche, josh wilson, britt nicole etc). I hated that it seemed like I was deliberately trying to make things seem better but I have learned that when one is intentional about something, it can produce amazing and often times positive outcomes! It's such things that faith is made up of.

our amazing miracle, Kyle David

Kyle David

So after hours of intense labor (don't want to go into all the details),my little or not so little Kyle David was born amidst a few tears and much joy and pride. He is absolutely beautiful! It amazes me how much joy fills my heart every time I look at him. How does a tiny being like that absolutely steal your heart in such a short time?

He is absolute perfection to me. This realization took me quite a while to come to. My idea of perfection was exactly what every one's was. Who was I to determine that perfection for the Maker Himself? It would be like telling a manufacturer that a product made was defective even if it is a different variation from previous models!

Throughout my pregnancy, my prayers have mostly been for God to fix my baby. You see, Kyle was born with a special heart which is being fixed for better circulation as I type. It might require about 4 or more surgeries over the  course of his lifetime but I am rest assured that the master physician is at work so no worries there.

There are times when I wished I could be the one in his place. I wish I  could feel his pain and calm him immediately with my touch. There have been moments like that where just picking him up and cuddling him just calmed Him right down and other times he just remained inconsolable until sucrose was introduced.( Apparently, sucrose is like crack to babies!)

Again, I feel like God is sending me on a journey because I have been telling Him that I am willing to move my feet. I am interested and very excited about where this one will take my little family unit. A friend of mine  commented on how brave I was and all I could think of was the fact that God prepares us for testimonies and equips us in the process. This is by no means going to be the end of it I'm sure but why should I be  consumed by anxiety when He has said he will never leave me nor forsake me?

Originally written 10/12/11