of childhood dreams and loves lost

I used to love you from the deepest core of my being
That sense of wonder at your very existence
The childlike awe at the sound of your laughter
But it breaks my heart to realize I'm losing it...

I used to love you from my waking hours 'til dark and in my dreams
That place where fairies, unicorns and Santa Claus were real
The innocence of my love in loving you completely
But it saddens my heart, my Love's disappearing...

How could this be, what do I do?
I can't let go, I only know how to love you
Can shattered dreams be put together?
Would wounded hearts be mended in time?

How far away is the place I dreamed?
I need to go back to love like never before
Can my love be the beacon that beckons me on?
How do I get there, would you show me the way?


© 12/14/2012 Maxine Mosley Totoe

Marital conundrum

Today's blog is by a young brilliant person I have the privilege of calling friend/sister. Now before any of you start getting any ideas in your head about marriage, I pray that you read this subjectively. Remember it is another person's thoughts and opinions and may not be relevant to your personal experience. 

 WHY SHOULD I STAY MARRIED? by Elsie A.

Last week, I had a rather interesting conversation with one of my aunts in Ghana. As usual, she called to say how proud she was of me and also ask me that dreaded question; 'When are we meeting our in-law'? On this occasion however, I told her the truth. 'Auntie, please I really don't know' and would you guess? There was more that followed. 'Ad3n)why, you want to be by yourself for the rest of your life, you have degrees and so what'? On and on she went. In hindsight, I should have told her exactly how I felt.  And thought; that although the idea of marriage sounded well and good, I still feared heartbreak and divorce. Yes, divorce! The topic that was once the elephant in the room but now the fly on the wall! But of course  a sincere response to those sort of questions would infuriate her all the more. So I ended the conversation by promising that I'd 'pray about it more often'.

  Don't get me wrong. As a young christian woman in my late twenties, the pressure to get married is everywhere. On television, images are painted of 'the perfect couple' who seem to be perpetually in love with each other. They never row, never argue. Instead  they spend hours making love and having breakfasts in bed. Seriously? I don't think that is how real life marriages work. Maybe sometimes but not all the time. On radio, you hear songs about 'we belong together' and this and that and it makes one wonder whether being sinlge is part of this thing called normalcy. And least I forget....each time I go to a restaurant, they ask me if I'm there with someone although my sole purpose is to grab a bite and go home, or how about holidays? They are offered with two people in mind. I do sincerely accept what God says in Genesis 2:18. It is surely not good for man to be alone. It is psychologically not healthy, and spiritually, one needs to be covered by another. However, with rising rates of divorces, do you really blame those who shy away from discussing marriage and its importance? No. Afterall statistics have revealed that half of all marriages end in divorce and as if it it's not bad enough, sixty percent of all second marriages call it quits before the seventh year barrier.There are those who believe that the ease at with which one can now obtain a divorce decree has consequently paved the way for the escalating divorce rates. Really? If that's the case, then surely the likes of Kim Kardashian and Evelyn Lozada could be portrayed as the perfect poster children of the demise of the godly institution called marriage. However, most of us now realize that it is not simply an issue of the 'worldly' folk but even of those of us who believe and cry on the name of the Most High!

One of my favorite pastors once informed me that I lacked faith when it came to the subject of marriage. Eighteen months ago, he and his wife of eighteen years called it quits citing 'irreconcilable differences' as the reason. A few days ago too, I read on the internet a story about one of my favorite gospel musicians who had divorced his wife of over 15 years. Reading that story was painful and heart-wrenching. In fact  it opened the can of worms that is my parents' marriage; of how two incredibly powerful and gifted individuals who achieved so much together could decide that whatever was going on in their lives was enough for them to sever the bond they shared. That is not to say that all divorces are made with wrong intentions bearing in mind the reasons for which people decide to do so. There are many and varied reasons for divorce ie financial problems, sexual issues, communication difficulties, issues to do with abuse, underlying spiritual issues and differences in goals. However, a particular line stood out in this person's public statement which was this; 'If I was that powerful of a man of God,  I would still be married.....it is possible to work so hard and be so driven that you lose everything'! Basically what he purported from that statement was that had he been a powerful man of God, his marriage would have still been intact. And this my friends, is the place I beg to differ in opinion.

As someone who has never been married before, I can never claim to know what exactly happens in a marriage. However, as a child of God and post-modern woman, I realise that statements like that are deeply flawed. Firstly, marriage is God ordained. It is a covenant and as with ALL covenants, there are ramifications should one part decide to sever the bond. If for any reason a divorce occurs, whether because it became necessary for someone to achieve wholeness or to escape something, there are still going to be ramifications( see Mark 10:9 and 1 Corin 7:10). Secondly, marriage is sacred. All that goes on in one's marital bed and home should be kept  sacred! The idea of airing one's dirty laundry in public should be looked upon with disapproval and disdain. If things are so bad between you and your spouse, discuss it between the two of you but if of course it doesn't get resolved seek godly counsel from trusted, sagacious friends. However, this is the part that I want to probe further; the issue of balance. Balance, balance, balance! Christians and non-Christians, please please hear me out!

There is no point of you giving your all to your ministry, career or whatsoever if your number one ministry, which is your family is being neglected. If you disagree with me, look all around you! Ask the Paula Whites, Juanita Bynums, Fred Hammonds, Hezekiah Walkers and Duncan Williams of our day. There is no way you can substitute your marriage and family with your so called ministry or 'godly' pursuits and expect God to bless you always. It just doesn't happen! The Bible compares the earthly marriage to that of Christ and His Bride, the Church ( see Ephesians 5:22-29). If that is the case, do we really have ministers or godly husbands out there who truly love their wives the way Christ loves His church? Hmm. There are those ministers who have their congregations scattered and they wonder what happened. They forget that their priority after God (see Matt 6:33)  was to ensure that thier marriages and families were being watered daily (see 1 Tim 3:5, 5:8). There's no point trying to be a blessing to be everyone else whilst your own wife and children stay at home bleeding and dying inside because you are absent in their lives!

 As a young girl growing up, I watched one of the most amazing men I have ever known in my life, my dad; win and lose big time. I saw him win each time he made my mother and us his children a priority. People often comment on the fact that pastors' kids are bad and unruly but that is not always the case. They are just people inwardly 'bleeding' and 'dying' due to a lack of attention. I vowed to never get married to a minister or anyone who called himself 'a man of God'. That was over a decade ago. Since that time, I've been involved with a 'man of God' and realised that although I had deep affection for him, he had worse issues to deal with than I probably had, lol. Yet in the eyes of everyone else, he was 'such a great man of God'. These days, the prayer I often mutter is one for wholeness and healing. A large number of people in the Body of Christ are inwardly dying. We call ourselves christians yet we have no fruits to show forth. We have been confused with all manner of doctrines....we really need to go back to basics and feed on the WORD who is Jesus Christ Himself. Once you have tasted the bread of life, trust me, it will be hard for you to be blown away by any doctrine just like that. You will be able to rightly divide the word of truth and apply it to every facet of your daily life. When the storms of life arise, you will be able to command that storm to leave. If of course, divorce occurs, God himself will give you the strength to go through it. God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16) but He loves each and everyone of His children and that includes the divorced... 

To those of you reading this who do believe in their hearts that God wants you married (some people are not called to this state of living; see Matthew 19:1-12, particularly verse 12 and 1 Corin 7:8_9), sincerely ask God to make you whole and prepare you for whoever you may decide to marry. Remember, God does not choose our spouses for us, He only directs us to the right one by His Holy Spirit. Ask Him to endow you with strength, courage and wisdom to go into marriage knowing that it is a LIFETIME COMMITMENT! And lastly to those who have been 'burned' before, listen; God is a God of second chances. He heals and restores (see Joel 2:25). You can surely love again! And lastly to those who are married, please stay that way. LOL....Honor your vows and honor God. Remember Christ deserves that much from His bride too; the church.

running back to safety

He kept crawling towards the air mattress which was propped against the wall to keep it out of the temporarily. Every time he inched towards it, I would softly beckon him towards me. "Kyle, don't go near the mattress. Play over here." Now before y'all go on about how unsafe it is to leave a baby playing out in the open like that, you need to understand that I know how light the mattress is so no danger there. We did this dance a couple times until finally the mattress toppled over him and he quickly darted towards me. He fussed a little more from the from the shock of having that thing move towards him than from pain. At first grandma picked him up but he wanted his mummy.After I hugged and kissed him a few times, he started smiling and wanted to get down to play with his toys again.

I believe that's how it is with God's love. He must really get frustrated with us when we decide to ignore His word and go on a path that will eventually lead to hurt, fear and pain. The thing is most of the time we do not even take the time to read or listen to what he has said in His manual for life (The Bible). We are well aware that His word is there and we can refer to it whenever we need it but our blatant disregard for it is what hurts us the most. I'm glad He beckons us toward His love and safely hides us under His wings regardless of our indifference at times.

I pray that as you read, you will run back to your "safety zone" with God.

Thankful Thursday!

I am blessed beyond measure. I could sit and list the things that have gone wrong in my life and how depressing that would be but I choose to be thankful for all my blessings. I really have been blessed beyond what I can ask for or think of. I was complaining about getting older the other day and my husband said "just be thankful for another year of being closer to God and for life itself."(so wise huh?)
I am thankful for God's grace which is unmerited
I am thankful for a wise,loving, diligent and hardworking husband
I am thankful for my Kyle whose life has taught me lessons I never imagined I HAD TO LEARN
I am thankful for family and friends who surprise you with acts of kindness
I am thankful for people who encourage you on a daily basis
I am thankful for the seemingly random people whose actions change peoples life entirely

There is so much to be thankful for today and my heart is bursting that Kyle received a good report on His first cardiology appointment! I could do cartwheels right about now! God is good! Take a moment to be thankful today, you're alive and still here!

walking along

He plants His footsteps in the sea and rides upon the storm... Those are lyrics from one of my favorite Methodist Hymns. Sometimes we can not understand God's ways but it all makes sense in the end. I am learning to walk this path without questioning or second guessing because His ways are not my ways. Faith demands that I just believe! I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me because He has said so and all I have to do is believe in His word.

There have been times when I have been still because I know HE is God and really what good will worrying do me? As my Kyle goes in for his next surgery, I am going to be listening to great praise and worship music and join in the celebration believing that He who has begun this good work will bring it to completion.

spiritually bunkrupt

 I have often times said the worst kind of people are the ones who can lead you astray and cause your soul to be eternally damned. How is it that quack doctors are imprisoned but quack pastors can roam free without any fear of the law. I suppose since it is a matter of discernment as to what an individual should and should not believe in, it makes it possible for these spiritual leaders to do as they please.

There are many self help and self actualization books out there which feed our minds and intellect with positive affirmation. There are blogs geared towards being optimistic and living your best life to the full but why are churches preaching this same message? Maybe I have totally missed the memo but I thought spiritual leaders were supposed to feed my soul not just my mind. It is quite sickening actually to tun on your TV or radio and hear messages that do nothing for your spiritual growth. If you want inspirational messages that make you want to take on the world full on, you could just as well find the nearest Barnes and Noble(any bookstore will do really).

A few weeks ago I was listening to a preacher and it dawned on me that all this guy was preaching was the message of self help and nothing about the Gospel or the message of salvation. The church has become so "seeker friendly" that it seems our leaders are afraid to preach the Bible in case they offend the masses. Is the truth of the Bible being taken for granted. Are the days gone by when a message could be so good you felt like the preacher was addressing an area of your life and backing it up with Bible passages?

After His Likeness

I haven't been to church much lately. Since I had Kyle, it's been a little tricky to go to church. I barely get enough sleep most nights and I like to have him with me when I'm not working so that grandma an get some sleep. Well I have been watching Ressurection life church, Grandville, a lot more and today they had Dan Seaborn preaching. He is pretty awesome. One of the coolest pastors out there.

He compared different pieces of art and their value and made the analogy of the piece of artwork being worth more based on the painter. So if God created us in His image, can you imagine what our worth is? It was pretty sweet to realize again that since I am created in God's image, signed and sealed by the blood of Jesus, I am priceless! Thank God for messages of affirmation!

Have an amazing week and remember how priceless you are. If you know your worth, others will learn to treasure you.

Kyle'ogic

I am familiar with your ways
I know how you'll act and react even before you do
Closer look, a finger in your mouth
Look here, look there quick fleeting smile
Another look, do I approve
A nudging smile,you fully laugh

I've known your heart like no other
Even before you entered this world
Your perfect imperfection, an incomplete heart
All the nooks and crannies, bared for all to see
A drug induced look in those days,
Had my heart skipping beats for you

I was called to walk this path with you
The Maker knew I could do it
He chose me for you, to be your mama
He knew it would have to be me
Many nights to be spent cradling you
Like He's done me in times past

I'm familiar with your ways
I know the sounds that calm your fears
Whispers of "I love you", "you are mine"
No matter what storms may come
We will weather it, together
Our coarse has been chartered, yours and mine

TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS!!!

I promise you will enjoy this if you read it to the end. This has been circulating in a lot of social media and I just happened to take the time to read it today. It warmed my heart and I hope it does yours too.
Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

Back to the middle

I have been feeling a little off balance in recent times. Well mostly since having Kyle. My labor wasn't glorious and easy and the period before and after were both a struggle and still is some days. I want to be able to go to church and worship like I used to but it is kind of difficult to do that with my irregular work schedule, Kyle's appointments and everything in between. There are some days when all I want to do is just be able to get 6 hours straight of sleep but I can't.

Don't get me wrong, motherhood is an amazing thing. I can't tell you enough how rewarding it is. I think in Ghana there is always so much help you receive from family and that makes it a lot easier. You know that moment in time when you question where you are and why you're there? I am there.

I have been a little teary today and it probably is hormonal but I just can't seem to shake it. I need to be centered again. Any mamas out there have tips on how to keep the balance? How do y'all keep it all together and remain fabulous? hehe

Bio

So I just read ODB (Our daily Bread) thus my inspiration for this post. I feel like these days I have just let life get in the way of several things. I have wasted many hours or days not doing what should be done and just worrying about what everyone thinks. I must say I have slacked quite a bit when it comes to blogging too leaving my entries to once a month at best. Quite appaling in my opinion but again, my excuse is Kyle. HA!

Anyways, life definitely must go on. I have alsways loved the name David so it came as no surprise when I wanted a middle name for my son to decide on David. I put aside any sentiment of naming my son after his ancestors and settled on David(with hubby's approval). The meaning of David which is "beloved" was not even what drew me to the name but the fact that God said of King David "This is a man after my own heart". Can you imagine having God's approval in this way?

How would people describe you in a few words if they were to write your biography? Would it be tasteful, heartfelt, bitter, insulting, spiteful, condescending, amazing etc? I have been thinking about it quite a bit for the last few hours. Many times we forget about what God thinks about us and focus on what others think. It is good to a certain extent to recieve a great evaluation from people but ultimately, God's approval surpasses all.

Here's a few words to describe some of my favorite people

Hubby: Selfless, loving man who cares more about people than he lets on. Very intelligent, diligent and meticulous in his undertakings. The love of my life!
Daddy: Godly man who's private life matches his public life. Undoubtedly, one of the most Godfearing people I have ever encountered.
Mama: Very humble and prayerful woman without whose guidance I would be absolutely lost
Zeinab: Friend for always!

I do have a long list of names but for the purposes of not boring my readers to tears, I will end here. Have an amazing day y'all!

Dramatized Rant

I realized it's been a while since I posted anything. My blogging has been a bit sporadic for a while and I really make no apologies for a it. Life has been busy with the baby and adjusting to the new normal. The folks at my job also don't really care whether you have a baby or a giraffe to take care of. My schedule has been crazy and some! They schedule me for 12 hours shifts without any thought and in addition don't make it consistent enough to live with! Aish!

Anyways, there's something that bothers me a little at work. There is a 40 some year old lady who talks way too much about any and everybody. I thought this was stuff that high schoolers and some college folk did but for a mother of two to gossip about everything under the sun? Recently, I was called to come say hi to a fellow "African" on another unit. Now mind you, in this place, meeting an African is like a rare UFO siting(a little exaggeration maybe) So I get home and I'm telling a friend who used to work on the same unit with me about it and she already knows every detail of the story! What? How is this possible if the said informant was not even at work and my friend is in a different state? It's puzzling I tell you.

Is this even news worthy? Anyways, it's not the first time Ms. CNN international has broadcasted some breaking news but it does make me wonder if there is any gain in this? Why do people do this? Does it give anyone some sort of satisfaction in spreading rumors and gossip?

Any who, I'm back on the k-drama(Korean Drama) bandwagon. Recently saw Lie to Me, Protect the Boss, Scent of  woman, finished More Charming by the day and going through Dream High! Crazy huh?If you don't like reading subtitles then this is not for you. Maybe I'll get hubby to watch one with me someday(He's probably reading this and going "not on your life"! Hhaha... I pray for grace and peace in the rest of the week for y'all. Be blessed!

9/16/11- Easily one of the toughest days of my entire life. Saw my son laying down so helpless and being vented. His little heart seemed to beating on it's own but I didn't have the guts to take a look. I spent a few minutes at the bedside and balled my eyes out after leaving the unit. I know God is in control so I just let my words be few and give it all unto him. The very core of my faith, our faith, has been shaken but we are not broken because He lives and his word has told us that we will be alright.

I find it so ironic that I was actually reading the book of Job to Kyle on 9/14/11 which was supposed to be the original date of his surgery. It saddened my heart that I let what I saw completely floor me. I looked by sight once again. How could I? I questioned God even though I could not form the words, I did in my heart and my guilt was consuming me. Did my tears mean I did not trust my maker to do what He had said He would?

I could not allow any negative thoughts in at this time. Try as I did, there would be an occasional fleeting thought of doubt and so I decided to listen to music(mostly hillsongs, delirious, paul baloche, josh wilson, britt nicole etc). I hated that it seemed like I was deliberately trying to make things seem better but I have learned that when one is intentional about something, it can produce amazing and often times positive outcomes! It's such things that faith is made up of.

our amazing miracle, Kyle David

Kyle David

So after hours of intense labor (don't want to go into all the details),my little or not so little Kyle David was born amidst a few tears and much joy and pride. He is absolutely beautiful! It amazes me how much joy fills my heart every time I look at him. How does a tiny being like that absolutely steal your heart in such a short time?

He is absolute perfection to me. This realization took me quite a while to come to. My idea of perfection was exactly what every one's was. Who was I to determine that perfection for the Maker Himself? It would be like telling a manufacturer that a product made was defective even if it is a different variation from previous models!

Throughout my pregnancy, my prayers have mostly been for God to fix my baby. You see, Kyle was born with a special heart which is being fixed for better circulation as I type. It might require about 4 or more surgeries over the  course of his lifetime but I am rest assured that the master physician is at work so no worries there.

There are times when I wished I could be the one in his place. I wish I  could feel his pain and calm him immediately with my touch. There have been moments like that where just picking him up and cuddling him just calmed Him right down and other times he just remained inconsolable until sucrose was introduced.( Apparently, sucrose is like crack to babies!)

Again, I feel like God is sending me on a journey because I have been telling Him that I am willing to move my feet. I am interested and very excited about where this one will take my little family unit. A friend of mine  commented on how brave I was and all I could think of was the fact that God prepares us for testimonies and equips us in the process. This is by no means going to be the end of it I'm sure but why should I be  consumed by anxiety when He has said he will never leave me nor forsake me?

Originally written 10/12/11