My desire

I'm sitting here contemplating on whether to let you in on the rest of my story or not. In a way, I feel like it might be leaving my emotions too raw but it is my therapy and my way of articulating what I'm going through.

So as the rest of it goes. We were super excited about this pregnancy even though it was not exactly planned. After all, we had been married 2 years now. In our African culture you're expected to have a baby 9 months after the nuptials!

Two days later, I started bleeding a little and then it turned into heavy and heavier bleeding still. I was so scared I thought I would go crazy. I drove myself to the ER and was told I was going through a miscarriage. Darn it! "Why me?". I held my composure while sitting in the ER and I had never felt so alone in my entire life! Hospitals are some of the most lonesome places in the world and without family present, it's even worst. I called my husband to let him know what was happening and he came over to be with me.

Now you might wonder if I never felt the presence of God enfolding me with warmth in that moment. All I did was focus on the sadness and the pain I was feeling in that instant. I wish I had known then what I do know now; that he knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call.

Say what? Circa JULY 2009

I am about to take you on a very personal journey. It might be difficult to read my blog from today forward but i hope and pray that it will be a great source of encouragement and upliftment for you. Come with me to way back in 2009 ...

July 10, 2009
No I am not! Really? Oh my God! Well I stopped taking it back in January! Oh my goodness. That is so precious!

Yes, this was me this afternoon at the clinic I volunteer at after I found out that yes indeed, I am preggers! I have done several pregnancy tests on other women and if any of those test had a deep line and a faint one as bold as mine, I definitely would have concluded that they were pregnant so why was I doubting mine? I had another nurse check with me just to be sure! I mean it's not like we have not been trying. Oh trust me, we have!

For some reason, I expected to know the exact moment of the conception of my sweet pea. We had been talking about babies so much lately that God must have decided we were ready! ahaha... Wow, I am still so excited I just want to do cartwheels. I told Thomas that today and he goes "is that safe for the baby?" Dork!...lol... uhm, before baby, I was, is and still AM!... You should have seen his face. He looked like he had just had a great meal or received his dream job offer! So cute!

When I found out, I could not contain it. I felt like I was going to burst. I had tears in my eyes, I could not keep my voice down. I walked around with a bounce and a spring in my step. My baby! A part of me! A person consisting of a part of Thomas and I! I had to tell him even though I knew he would not be able to concentrate at work. So I went to the volunteer common room, took my phone out of my bag and started dialing. First try, no answer, second try:

Tomeister: Hello(in an almost whisper meaning Tomtom is in a meeting). Hey sweetie, Is everything ok, I figured if you were calling for the second time something must be up
Me: Guess what? Uhm, the test was super positive!
Tomeister: What test
Me: The pregnancy test
Tomeister: Oh really? wow, it's as if we knew before though didn't we? wow, I want to come home.
Me: hahaha... I'm at the clinic anyways so will see you later at home. I love you honey
Tomeister: I am so excited I can not go back and concentrate. OK will see you soon. Love you!

I know I was not all mushy about it but inside, I'm telling you I was ready to burst! The rest of the day went by in a blur. We went to Barnes and Noble to get a pregnancy book and then I got a pregnancy journal! I am chronicling every bit of this experience as much as I can. Thank You Lord for this Blessing, thank you for my sweet little pea. Oh Thomas said something very thoughtful tonight. He said " Now I am a Man! I have been walking around in this sort of boy-man state but today, I feel like a man". I love this man, a lot!

learners block...

I am learning
I have learned
I will be learning
Currently, I am learning!

I know not everything
I know a lot of things
Some things I have stored away
A few things tucked in my memory

I am learning
Deciphering the very nature
Of things known and unknown
Learning to accept and reject

You're teaching me
Imparting wisdom and knowledge
Of things I thought I knew
Like a sponge I'm absorbing it all anew

Help!!! Hospital Bag!

So I have checked out different sites and this is probably what my hospital bag is going to consist of. Please feel free to add to or let me know if certain items are unnecessary. Thanks. Keep praying us through. At minimum we have about 4-5 weeks left! Yikes!

·         Insurance card, ID, any consent forms previously given,

·          birth plan

·         Old nightgown

·         Slippers or slipper socks

·         Laptop loaded with relaxing music and perhaps a DVD or two

·         I-touch, cellphone with chargers

·         Bible

·         Junky magazines (like Cosmo)

·         Camera

·         Video Camera?

·         Snacks for hubby and mama

·         Toiletries (toothbrush, paste, hairbrush, conditioner, body wash, body and face lotion, deodorant, mini loofah)

·         Shower sandals- flip flops for mama, hubby and me

·         Nice comfy towel

·         Junky undergarments

·         Nursing pillow, boppy

·         Nursing-appropriate bra or tank

·         Sanitary pad, underwear

·         Breast pads- buy some disposable ones for now

·         Nursing-appropriate PJ

·         Hair bands, pony holders

·       Comfy clothes & toiletries for mama and hubby

·         Snacks? Granola bars etc

·         Comfy outfit to go home in (NOT pre-pregnancy size)- tube dress, shorts and tanks, low heeled sandals, sunglasses, makeup bag

·         Coming home outfit for baby + swaddle blanket + car seat + pediatrician’s number

Hmm, I think that's pretty much it. Yes, ladies, say buh-bye to tampons for a long time! haha.

The road to motherhood

I am well on my way and there's a lot to pack for this trip; or so I have been told. There are all kinds of books, advice from people from all manners of life but of course as usual, it is a customized trip and mine might be different from the next person's even though the experience might be similar. I've had mixed feelings ranging from happy to downright depressed but through it all, I've learned to take each day at a time.

So yes, I am on the the road to motherhood. My destination might be expected or unexpected and mine, what a wonderful delight that would be! We will find out in about 4-7 weeks! Oh how the time flies! Truth be told, it scares me at times but if God has entrusted me with this then I am willing to learn and do my best.

must have a had a big lunch! hehe

ps: I just realized that parenthood is a perfectly great way to ruin or build a persons life from scratch!

Willful

She walks around like a ghostly figure
Wishing for her own demise
No desire to live her life to the fullest
As if it was by mistake that she happened upon this earth

She pushes her life to the limit
Wishing death to claim her if he may
But even that request falls on deaf ears
For death has no claim over her life

What makes such a person lose all hope
To cease to exist in this lifetime
If only I could take a peak into her brain
Perhaps I might gain some understanding

Likely a vague insight into her being
A fleeting wish to live, maybe
For now I'll treat her with empathy
This shadowy figure might retreat no more

My Joy is Crank!

Who are these people
These self made gods
The so called authority in their fields
Laughable miniature gods

Who gave them this power
To make these utterances
As if they came into being by their will
Annoying know it alls

What I hear makes me cringe
What they say render me almost faithless
But I've been there and through that
These creatures haven't experienced my joy

Look by sight and it is overwhelming
The darkness engulfing my very being
Look by faith and all is calm
The Sun warming my very core

Status Posts

I was going through my facebook news feed the other day and liking and smiling or laughing out loud at which ever hilarious ones caught my attention and then it dawned on me "many of these people have very inspirational status updates!". Just the other day I went through these updates again and realized that people are quick to update when whatever they have read that morning be it on www.rbc.org or what other website is perceived to be for their neighbor and not them! For instance, one such update read "Gossip ends at a wise person's ear". Now you can be sure a great number of people had this update forgetting that if they themselves do not gossip others will not bring it to their doorstep!

I wonder why people don't include the updates which talk about reaching out and witnessing to others or living in such a way that your life becomes a living testimony of God's grace. Just a thought :-)

Forget Me Not

I began to wallow in this deep dark feeling
I blamed, I cursed, I saw no end
No silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel
If it was there, I sure was missing it
Probably because I was wallowing in this deep dark feeling

I always thought I was one to come out of it
Unscathed or perhaps with a few scars to show
I didn't think I would be the walking advertisement,
The very poster child of this ingratitude
An ingrate in the making, as if nothing good had ever happened to me

I felt overtaken, overshadowed by my unbelief
Then I begun to see a glimmer of hope
Out of the darkness came my light
Aha! what a little hopeful thought can do
My heart felt free from and my spirit begun to soar

Again I begun to remember all that He said;
I will never leave you nor forsake you
Do not be consumed by anxiety
Each day has enough worry of it's own
Baby steps, one day at a time

Now I am not wallowing
There are days when those fleeting thoughts intrude
There are sunny days dotted with clouds overhead
But I will not wallow in that place
I am not alone, He's there and He's not going away!

Stuck On You

I must confess that I am going through a period of writer's block again. I have run out of things to share with my readers and it really bothers me to no end :-? Sorry folks! I think my problem is that I do not want to disappoint myself with mediocre and offensive writing. Anybody going through a moment like this?

The past week was pretty depressing for me and I finally fell completely apart a couple days ago after talking to my dad. He is absolutely the sweetest person and he always speaks encouraging and affirmative words to me. It made me sad to look at people's photos and see them together with their families. A part of me longed for that period in my life when my whole family was together and the nostalgia just overwhelmed me.

I feel a lot better now but as I wistfully wished for better family connections, it made me realize that I missed being in close proximity to my "friends" as well. Distance and different experiences have drawn some of us apart but if you have been a friend to me in the past or presently, thank you! It does mean the world to me :) Have a great week y'all!